Monday, August 26, 2013

A Bond for the Broken

I was sitting in the chair near the front window today. I love sitting there. I can see out on the day and feel the cool air breeze in through the small sliding window at the bottom. It is a place of peace for me as it is usually away from the business of the kitchen the living room, and all the children/commotion that goes on in those rooms.

Today was Sunday. I love Sundays. They are days for renewal. And being a broken broken soul through weakness and mistake, I need renewal. There is a deep comfort each week in knowing that I can be renewed because of a Savior and His eternal and infinite love and sacrifice for me. It would be great if I didn't keep repeating the same mistakes again and again and again. But I do, so I must seek renewal at His hand, through His mercy.

My wife came in the room with my daughter, Ella (6 yrs old) holding her hand. She said to me, "Ella is worried that she is disturbing her class with that sound she makes - would you talk to her?"

Here it was. That moment I had wondered about. Yes, here it was. My beautiful Ella. My sensitive, happy, beautiful Ella. And I was about to tell her she was broken.

How do you do that? I know many people will tell me that "broken" is a terrible word, and not the correct one. But, honestly, it kind of is that word. A system that works for most people without problem, does not work for her. By nature's definition, she is broken. Like me. I am broken too, you know.

Tourettes Syndrome. I've had it since I was a little boy. I don't remember when it began. I just remember when other people began noticing it. And now people are noticing hers - and she knows two things: 1) she can't control it, and 2) it makes her different. Hard things for a 6 year old girl. Heck, hard things for anyone, really.

I put her on my lap and held her, swallowed the lump in my throat and said a quick, fervent prayer to know what to tell her. And then, I told her all about Tourettes. How she got it (from me), what causes it, and what it causes.

Of course, the discussion didn't begin, "I need to tell you how  you are broken". Instead it began with, "My little Ella, I am about to tell you something about yourself that makes you very, very special."

Oh, the smile on her face. And the weeping inside of me.

I think for a brief moment today I knew a bit more about how God must feel. Because when I go to him worried about how I am broken, instead of telling me how I am broken, he says, "My Adam, I am about to tell you something about yourself that makes you very, very special".

Oh the smile inside me. And the weeping outside.

Ella leaped off my knee at the end of our talk and ran to tell her mom how she was special and how she had new super powers she didn't know about before (it's true, you know).

After church she said to me..."Dad!, I stayed calm today!" I am so glad, Ella - so did I. Thanks be to God for super powers, for making the broken special, and for Tourettes.

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