A Bond for the Broken

I was sitting in the chair near the front window today. I love sitting there. I can see out on the day and feel the cool air breeze in through the small sliding window at the bottom. It is a place of peace for me as it is usually away from the business of the kitchen the living room, and all the children/commotion that goes on in those rooms.

Today was Sunday. I love Sundays. They are days for renewal. And being a broken broken soul through weakness and mistake, I need renewal. There is a deep comfort each week in knowing that I can be renewed because of a Savior and His eternal and infinite love and sacrifice for me. It would be great if I didn't keep repeating the same mistakes again and again and again. But I do, so I must seek renewal at His hand, through His mercy.

My wife came in the room with my daughter, Ella (6 yrs old) holding her hand. She said to me, "Ella is worried that she is disturbing her class with that sound she makes - would you talk to her?"

Here it was. That moment I had wondered about. Yes, here it was. My beautiful Ella. My sensitive, happy, beautiful Ella. And I was about to tell her she was broken.

How do you do that? I know many people will tell me that "broken" is a terrible word, and not the correct one. But, honestly, it kind of is that word. A system that works for most people without problem, does not work for her. By nature's definition, she is broken. Like me. I am broken too, you know.

Tourettes Syndrome. I've had it since I was a little boy. I don't remember when it began. I just remember when other people began noticing it. And now people are noticing hers - and she knows two things: 1) she can't control it, and 2) it makes her different. Hard things for a 6 year old girl. Heck, hard things for anyone, really.

I put her on my lap and held her, swallowed the lump in my throat and said a quick, fervent prayer to know what to tell her. And then, I told her all about Tourettes. How she got it (from me), what causes it, and what it causes.

Of course, the discussion didn't begin, "I need to tell you how  you are broken". Instead it began with, "My little Ella, I am about to tell you something about yourself that makes you very, very special."

Oh, the smile on her face. And the weeping inside of me.

I think for a brief moment today I knew a bit more about how God must feel. Because when I go to him worried about how I am broken, instead of telling me how I am broken, he says, "My Adam, I am about to tell you something about yourself that makes you very, very special".

Oh the smile inside me. And the weeping outside.

Ella leaped off my knee at the end of our talk and ran to tell her mom how she was special and how she had new super powers she didn't know about before (it's true, you know).

After church she said to me..."Dad!, I stayed calm today!" I am so glad, Ella - so did I. Thanks be to God for super powers, for making the broken special, and for Tourettes.

More.

To help my two year old, Sam, go to sleep, we often have to lay down near or next to him. Sometimes we will rub his back, other times we just have to lay there being present. Sometimes it's a bit of both. There are times when you are with him for more than 30 minutes and times when he is out pretty fast (usually more toward the 15-30 minute side).

Today I took some time to watch the kids while my wife, Amy, got her hair cut. It was in the middle of the day and I was working, trying to get some important things done for work, but my wife deserves the time out to do this. So I took a break for a bit to take care of the kids - mostly just Sam and George (7 months old). Honestly, I was a bit anxious because I was really trying hard to get this specific project done for a meeting and I wasn't going to be ready if I spent all my time watching the kids. I know, I know...

Anyway, part of my duty was to put Sam down for a nap. He did not want to go and dropped to the ground. I picked him up while he screamed and cried (this is not unusual for Sam). I carried him into his room and put him on the bed. He wanted to get up, but I said no and I knew this time might be a hard one and would take a lot of time. Well, one of my tricks to get him from stopping screaming and crying is to get him to the opposite by making him laugh. So I started tickling him and playing with him. He stopped crying and screaming and suddenly there was that awesome smile and big dimples all over his face. He can be such a sweet, cute boy when he is happy.

I had the urge to just hold and hug him, so I bent down and gave him a big hug. And he laughed.

I rose up and looked at him and he said, "more". So, for the next few minutes, we repeated this over and over with me hugging him and him saying, "more" each time and each of us laughing, until finally I told him he needed to sleep and that I would lay there with him.

As I laid there and watched him calm down and go to sleep so peacefully, I was overcome with gratitude and love for my little boy. What a gift he is, like all of my children.

Then, as I thought of our little exchange a few minutes before, I was struck with the word, "more". it repeated itself in my mind over and over.

This little sweet boy wanted more. more love. more laughter. more happiness. more time. more of me.

So many things in life say the same thing. more. And too often I find myself giving more to too many of those things. Work, food, TV, and so many other things that end up, at the end of the day, distractions. Most of those kind of 'more' are not really 'more'.

But this little boy? Not a distraction. No, he is really more. He is joy.

I have been taught all my life that "...men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25, The Book of Mormon). If that is indeed our purpose, then that is what we should want. When we feel it, see it, know it, we should not just say, more. We should scream it - with the way we pay attention to it, work toward it, and devote our lives to it.

Well, today, I experienced joy. MORE!

No See Um, WHAT?!

It's been a beautiful Sunday here in Utah. A perfect day for an afternoon drive. After an early dinner, we packed all of us into our min-van and headed out on our drive to find someplace we hadn't been before. Our kids have always been pretty good travelers in the car and drives are typically peaceful and a nice time for us all to enjoy beautiful scenery and a bit of peace from our every day bothers. In the car is my wife, Amy, myself (of course), and our 5 kids: Henry (7), Ella (5), Grace (3), Sam (2 this month), and George (3 mo.). At the moment, we're staying in Daybreak, a planned community in South Jordan, Utah (Southwestern end of the Salt Lake Valley). We decided to drive Northwest toward a town called, Magna. If that's where we had stopped, I wouldn't be writing this.

Magna is basically the far northwest community in the Salt Lake valley and borders the area near the airport - so it is right along I-80 west. We drove through town, explored their small, old downtown, and eventually came to where we had to take a left or a right onto the 21st South Freeway. This part of our journey on the map is the yellow line. If you go right, you head back into the city and into South Salt Lake City. If you go left, it can take you out to I-80 right next to where the Southern most part of the Great Salt Lake butts against the mountain range of the Western edge of the Salt Lake Valley. If you go West from there, you hit one more valley/town of reasonable quality, and then it's all salt/desert/salt flats. We went left toward the Great Salt Lake.

On the map, we are now on the green line.

We drove over I-80 and found ourselves at the Saltair, and old event venue that has a lot of history in Utah. It sits on the edge of the lake and I highly recommend looking up info on it. It's pretty interesting. Anyway, the road there ended in a T and we decided to take a left out to the Salt Lake Marina. We could see a bunch of sailboats out on the lake and the evening was beautiful. I though maybe we could wander around and see the beauty near the lake. But, we hadn't brought any money and the marina is a state park, so we had to turn around. We traveled back to Saltair and made our decision about where to go next...

This is the red section on the map.

I grew up along the migratory paths of birds in Nebraska and learned to love birds and nature. Of course, I have a degree in environmental science as well, so I love the whole nature thing. Best thing is, the Great Salt Lake is one of the most important bird habitats in the United States and on any given spring/summer/fall day, you can see dozens of different bird species. It really is amazing. And with the weather being so perfect, I was itching to get out of the car and enjoy a little nature. I wanted to teach my kids all about the birds. So, instead of turning back down the road we came on, I drove straight, along the old Lincoln Highway, which follows along the side of I-80 (like a frontage road). No one was on the road and I knew we'd find a place to get out and walk around. And soon we did.

It was perfect. There was a little parking lot, a trail to walk on, and an Audobon sign telling of how globally important the area was. Sweet! AND, right past the parking lot were a set of cool nature information signs that I was sure would have lots of great information about the area. It really couldn't have been more perfect.

I popped out of the car, opened doors (love automatic doors on min-vans), and started helping kids out of the van. However, I began to wonder about bugs, since when I opened the door, a few mosquito looking buts flew in and I could see a few as well, flying around. I didn't want my family all bitten up and we didn't have spray. But, it didn't seem to bad, so we decided to just be out a few minutes.

As soon as I got little Sam's shoes on and got him out of the van, I was suddenly very aware of my skin crawling, like it was tingling, and then itching. I looked on myself and didn't really seen anything, so I was confused. But I definitely felt it all over and I began to scratch and wipe the feeling all over my head, face, and neck. Then, as I looked up, I looked at Sam and saw him doing the same. As I looked closer at him, I suddenly saw the reason...little black moving dots all over him. Against his fair skin and blondish hair, you could see them. Tiny little bugs all over.

The two oldest kids had run out to the signs, but were now standing still and were figuring out the problem as well. I quickly told them all to run back and get in the car! I worked fast to get Sam in the car and Amy put Grace back in. Once we finally get everyone back in the car, by this time, we are all panicking because the bugs are all over us. they are on our clothes, on the seats, in our hair, and who knows where else! Henry is totally losing it and has his nose and mouth covered. Ella is panicking in the back with "itchies" all over her. I did a quick turnaround with the van, and started driving back down the highway as a brisk pace - with windows rolled down to let the wind blow in and hopefully the bugs out.

This is the blue section on the map.

Ella was bawling in the back and wanted the windows open to help. Grace cried everytime the windows opened. Sam looked at everyone else like they were crazy, and for once, wasn't the screaming one in the group - he looked a bit like, "hey, um, why is everyone else screaming? Isn't that MY job?!". He calmly just put his hands on his ears and at the same time kept itching and swatting away any left over bugs.

We finally got to a road that crossed over I-80 and few miles down the road were away from the type of area that would have bugs - a brand new target parking lot.

We all piled out of the van and immediately swiped away. We looked like we had ants in our pants and lice in our hair all at once. We kept checking everyone's scalps and killing the ones still moving around in there. We looked down shirts, shook out our pant legs, and all did a few really big shudders. Amy and I were laughing some because it was all a little absurd, but Ella wasn't so sure laughing was the right thing for us to do. It was one of those moments where you know you probably shouldn't laugh, but you couldn't help it.

It took 5-10 minutes before everyone was calm enough and willing to get back in the car. We had, of course, checked the inside of the car. George had been sitting in his covered car seat (thank heavens for that cover) and was unaffected by the bugs, other than being woken up by the commotion of it all.

Of course, Grace then had to use the bathroom - as did Ella. So Amy walked them into the store to use the bathroom while the boys stayed in the van. And that is when George decided he was done waiting for food and attention. He screamed, Henry looked for his pacifier, and I shook my head at how our perfect drive had taken a "Griswold family vacation" type of turn.

While the girls were inside, I used my phone to look up what the insects were. They are called, No See Ums. Yeah, that's pretty fitting. We certainly didn't "see um" until too late. Here is what they look like...

Ceratopogonidae, or biting midges

From Wikipedia: The bite of midges in the genus Culicoides causes an allergic response in equines known as sweet itch. In humans, their bites can cause intensely itchy, red welts that can persist for more than a week. The discomfort arises from a localized allergic reaction to the proteins in their saliva, which can be somewhat alleviated by topical antihistamines.

They are small. Here is how small:

Yeah, pretty creepy. They are apparently related to black flies and in the same family as Mosquitoes.

Once we all got back in the car and on our way, we only had to stop once more because Henry decided he had to go and couldn't hold it either (thanks subway for letting us use your bathroom without buying anything). Oh, and Sam finally got this chance to scream when he saw me leave the car and go into the Subway with Henry. Fitting.

Back at home, the kids were pretty great about it. Henry and Ella had gotten worst of it since they had gone the furthest from the car. I was unaffected physically because, like with mosquitoes, I am immune to their bites (see my earlier blog post on this). Henry and Ella both had showers when they got home - mostly to get the smooshed blood and bugs from their hair.

Everyone's back to their peaceful, quite selves - asleep, healthy, and all well....except probably a bit mentally traumatized for life.

And that's how a nice drive to Magna became a story worth remembering and writing.

Here is the map of our trip:

Tourette's

No, this is not a post that is using Tourette Syndrome as a joke. This is actually a post about Tourette Syndrome. Why would I do that? Because I have Tourette’s.

I remember the first time I realized I had something that wasn’t normal. I was 9 or 10 years old and I was in Citrus Heights, California where other kids had made a bmx course out of a vacant field. I was with my brother Jason, and I was watching him and the older boys do whatever they were doing – riding bikes, talking, etc. I was just tagging along. Anyway, at one point, one of Jason’s friends who had been standing next to me for a few minutes, said to me with a genuinely concerned look, “dude, are you ok?” “Yes, why?,” I responded. He just casually said,  "oh, just sounds like you’re having a hard time breathing or something.” I had no idea what to tell him. It was the first time I remember realizing that what I did naturally, wasn’t normal.

I don’t remember exactly what I was doing in that moment to cause alarm, but I guess it was obvious enough to get noticed. And then suddenly, I noticed. But because my family didn’t say anything to me about it (that I remember), I put it out of my mind for the most part. It wasn’t long after that, that my mom (who has Tourette’s too) met a women at church who had a son with Tourette's, and they knew what this whole thing was and what it was about. He had it a lot worse than me, apparently. I don’t remember him or the situation. I just remember hearing the words, “Tourette Syndrome” for the first time. Well, at least there was a name to it. But I certainly wasn’t going to repeat it or bring attention to myself – my symptoms did that for me already.

I think that because I learned about it early on, that I was able to have it in my mind and somehow figured out how to escape through all the roughness of Jr. High and High School without many people even saying a word about it, and I don’t remember being made fun of  for it more than once or twice. Thankfully, it never really became an issue (huge credit to my friends!). Largely, though, that was because my symptoms are not nearly as bad as those you see in documentaries or in movie jokes, etc. Mine are a lot more subtle. In fact, some of you reading this may be surprised to learn that I have it.

Well, I know some of you, when you hear the word, “Tourette’s” thinks to a movie references or more extreme things. So I want to take some time to explain a bit about what it is and how it affects at least me…

First, Tourette’s (TS) is defined by the National TouretteSyndrome Association as “…a neurological disorder characterized by tics – involuntary, rapid, sudden movements, and/or vocal outbursts that occur repeatedly.” These can vary greatly between those who had Tourette’s. For instance, the more extreme cases involve pretty extreme physical tics that can be distracting to those around them. However, some people have tics that are pretty subtle, and only those who have learned to look for them, see them. These might be a consistent clearing of the throat or a persistent sniff even when a person doesn’t have a cold or allergies. Or it might be a small movement in a joint, like a neck movement, a shoulder shrug, or other.

TS is often undiagnosed as well – thought to be just some “nervous tic” or something. But when that tic goes on for years? Yeah, not likely it’s just a “nervous tic.” There are some important things to know about TS that all parents should be aware of…

1.  TS is an inherited, dominant gene. In fact, about 50% of children get the gene passed from the parent.

I can vouch for this one. I inherited this from my mother (it’s ok mom, it’s not a bad gift). I am one of eleven children my mother had. There are at least 4 of us siblings with TS in my family. I have 5 children of my own, all under the age of 8, and the two oldest already have shown to have TS. I have at least 2 cousins with TS as well – both on my mother’s side of the family. I sometimes wonder if it were caused somehow from the genes of my Great-Grandmother, Minerva Teichert, who was a well-known (and amazing) artist, and who spent years with lead paint splattered brushes in her mouth, and paint on her hands. Who knows – perhaps?

Interesting thought…I bet because of the pure numbers of people in my family to have TS, we have to be one of the most prolific TS families in the world. Wouldn’t you think? That would be interesting to know.

2. It is 3-4 times more likely for a son to get it from a parent than a daughter

This is true in my family (my siblings, etc). My two cousins who have it are both males.

3. The estimates are that about 200,000 people in the US have this disorder.

I bet it’s higher than that. I know several people myself that I know have it, but have never been diagnosed and most would never admit that they have anything like TS. Heck, could you blame them? Hollywood makes fun of it enough – and then the rest of society picks up the joke. Why don’t we make fun of Parkinson’s anymore (it comes from a breakdown in the metabolism of the same basic chemical groups)? Oh yeah, one of Hollywood’s own champions the cause.  To help research, we need to identify more of those who have it. If we continue to have this astigmatism attached to it, then that’s tough to do.

4. There is no race or ethnic group that is immune or that seems to dominate the disorder.

Can’t say I know anyone else (personally) who has it of another race or ethnic background, but there are videos that show it and I believe the statistics.

5. There is actually no official, defined cause for TS yet. However, it is caused by the body having an abnormal, if not extreme metabolism of certain brain chemicals – especially Dopamine

Ok, this is a really interesting part…Dopamine, you see, is a chemical used by the brain (plays a major role) for reward-driven learning. This means that folks with TS tend to have some OCD tendencies, and some have full-on OCD symptoms. Oh, and this also brings tendencies toward compulsion. Sound familiar? Well, that’s because ADHD is caused by a related chemical dysfunction. In fact, here is a BIG reason getting TS diagnosed is important…

6. Statistics for people with TS show that between 65-85% of them also have ADHD. It is one of the highest correlations of two disorders there is. 

Yes, I also have ADHD (yeah, I know that’s not news to anyone who really knows me). So, if your child has TS, then there is a high likelihood there are other issues at stake here. I will just say that the compulsiveness, the reward-learning stuff, and the OCD stuff can be some of the hardest stuff to deal with because it means that the person is much more likely to be susceptible to addictions and addictive-like behaviors. There are, of course really good/amazing sides to this, which I’ll cover in another post.

7. There is no cure for TS. And not many treatment options.

Although in rare cases, some people grow out of it as they grow up,  most live with it their entire lives. Unless the symptoms, in terms of the tics, are really bad and interfere with normal life, many doctors don’t treat TS – and I wouldn’t either. Usually it becomes discussions around how to deal with the additional problems brought by TS – the ADHD, OCD, etc. And there are some treatment options for that, which can help.

8. Only about 15% of all cases have the version of TS that has the person screaming obscenities (called Coprolalia). But of course, 100% of the jokes are about this.

9. Most kids with TS don’t have special educational needs – at least not from the TS. It’s the combination of that with ADHD and other learning disabilities that may accompany TS that are potential problems.

10. The research shows that people with TS have the same IQ range as the normal public.

In my experience, however, this changes with those who also have ADHD and other disorders with TS. Most of those I know tend to be exceptionally intelligent in at least some areas of intelligence. They certainly can think different.

That’s enough facts and commentary on them. I am going to write another post about this soon, but let me explain just a few more things from the perspective of one who has it…

1. TS is not easy to have. In fact, it can be down-right exhausting – Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically – especially physically. 

2. To explain how it feels/works in common language, let me explain it like an electrical system. When an electrical system is slammed with too much electricity, it will find the weakest and easiest place in the system to escape and do it, until the system’s input dies down. Your body is like a big electric system. Your brain/nervous system uses certain chemicals like Dopamine to create energy (electricity), which it then uses to do stuff. A person with TS has a problem because their body is WAY too efficient at metabolizing/using these chemical,s and it produces a large excess of it. This excess then runs through the body looking for a way out. For whatever reason, it finds certain muscle movements as a way to escape – sometimes in dramatic ways, sometimes in subtle ways – a true mystery sometimes how it decides what to do. However, there are some that make sense. An example is when I get a cold or allergies. Because my nose runs (from the cold, etc), I naturally sniff - like normal people. But, when the cold is up, my nervous system has burned into the memory of those muscles to keep doing it just to burn energy. Because it was a repeated action while sick, my body is much more likely to pick up on it. Most of my tics, in fact, are related to some other physical action that gets repeated due to injury, over-use, or sickness. Make sense?. Good.

3. Symptoms can vary greatly in their prominence. Sometimes my tics are almost non-existent. Of course, when I sleep they are gone, but even during the day my symptoms are very mild or gone for even long periods of time. For example – as I type this, I have noticed that my symptoms are pretty non-existent. The experience of listening to music while writing stimulates me and calms my system. But when I am overly tired or stressed or unhealthy, my symptoms can be painful, tiring, and hard to deal with - sometimes making it near impossible to sleep until WAY into the morning.  I have a neck/shoulder tick that I do (had that one a long time) that makes me flex/scrunch the muscles in my shoulder and neck really hard. Sometimes that can cause bad headaches for me – but I have very strong and lean muscles there…haha. My vocal tic is usually the last one I get as my Tourette's ramps up and signals me that I am VERY overrun with chemicals in my system.

4. Sometimes Symptoms change. I have a whole set of symptoms that can come and go. At extreme times, I exhibit several at once. Most of the time, however, I have 1-2 going on at any one time. Sometimes I have ones that disappear completely and sometimes I get new ones, depending on if I have extreme behavior with my body. For instance, I am on a computer all the time and use a mouse A LOT. I have developed a tic in my right wrist that involves flexing the muscle and moving the wrist down and to the side. Over a day, that one can tire the muscle pretty bad.

5. We also have a hard time getting to sleep sometimes (as much a problem with TS as ADHD)

I usually go to sleep between 12am and 2am. I probably go to bed before midnight maybe half a dozen times in a month. Maybe. And life certainly doesn’t allow for sleeping in these days. You’ll notice that I am writing this at 12:40am and by the time I finish it (editing, revision, etc) will be probably 1:15-1:30 am. This is normal for me.

6. Tics are virtually impossible to stop. It is like holding your breath. Doesn’t last long. I have worked A LOT to try and learn to control mine. But it has to be a very conscience thing and it is very difficult to do consciously. Sometimes I still can’t do it even when trying.

7. Meditation and relaxation is great for me. The conscious effort of meditation and practiced relaxation helps me calm down and relax my symptoms. How long it lasts depends on how life is going at the moment.

8.  Physical exercise is VERY helpful – get me out running and playing and my symptoms drop off the map while I play and help during the time in between.

9. Food matters. What you eat definitely affects your symptoms. And we’re learning more and more about this.

10. Physical touch can help. Gentle touch and massage can help my body slow down and relax. Amy (my wife) sometimes will rub my hand when my symptoms are bad, to help me calm down and fall asleep at night. In general, soft physical touch helps my body relax. It may not work for everyone.

11. You may not have noticed my Tourette’s because I have learned to hide it very well in my body movements and talking, etc. But it’s there. And I don’t mind if you notice or say something about it. Please, talk about it if you are curious, or for any reason, really. Just don’t use it to make fun of me or anyone else that has TS. I am bigger and meaner and stronger than most of you…haha. And you certainly don’t want to see what Tourette’s looks like angry, right?! Think Hulk + Tasmanian devil. HAHA – just kidding. Sort of. Or am I?! hmmm…

Ok, very long post, I know. But here is the conclusion…

When I think of my children having Tourette’s and knowing they will struggle with some of the same things I have, makes me sorrowful. I love my children and wish they didn’t have to experience this kind of difficulty – especially one that might make them targets of ridicule and heart-ache and even physical pain. It makes me very emotional to think about that. But, I am confident I can help them through it and see the beauty of the harmony of opposites, because, there are amazing things that can come with Tourette’s. The same things that make me have difficulty can also give me great advantage and will give my children gifts that are amazing! Perhaps I will address this in my next post.

For now, I embrace my Tourette’s and while it brings plenty of challenges, I keep on moving forward, I pick myself up when I need to, and I keep on ticking – literally.

THANKS to the National Tourette Syndrome Association for having information readily available to find and share!

Hypocrisy

There are some words in the English language that when used, arouse strong reactions from the receiver of those words. Hypocrite is perhaps one of the most hated of these words. When used against you, it is a terrible dagger that attempts to discredit and shame you. When used by you, it is your weapon to do the same in return. And, no matter if it is true or not, just to have someone call you a hypocrite leaves a bad feeling in you. It is as if the word has some magical power in it that creates a dark spot inside you. And how do you defend it? It's difficult, right?!

So I have given a lot of thought about this word. Not too long ago, I got into long discussion with a friend from my late teens. He and I had attended church together, played basketball together, sang together, and in general, had spent a lot of time together as good friends. We supported each other and wanted the success of the other. And then here we were, years later, having a very tough discussion about religion and the sentiments of our younger years had changed drastically.

Since those days, I had moved away and we didn't see or hear from each other for many years. Facebook became a great vehicle for finding lost friends, like this one. We connected there and reminisced. His story was very different than mine. He had left our church, joined the military, and in general had become quite angry and bitter toward religion. He wasn't just an atheist now, he was actively anti-religion.

It was hard to read his posts, sometimes multiple times daily, that insulted the religious and campaigned against it. He found a way to blame every bad and tragic thing in history on religion. It was not just hard because I am very religious, but because I had grown up in the Church with him and knew of his spirit back then - a good spirit that was fun-loving and sincere. He used to be a young man with hope and kindness and love for his religion and for God. I know this because I had heard him testify of his knowledge of God and His goodness on numerous occasions. And now he had pushed that all out and the softness of his soul that used to be so obvious, was gone.

Instead, his tone was angry, bitter, condescending, insulting, and hurtful. Worse, he had taken such a strong stance against it, that he couldn't even spare me his insults and criticisms. he couldn't just be happy that I was happy and living my life as a good citizen.

So finally, we were in this long, tough discussion in which I confronted him about the whole issue, wondering why he would so openly attack things he knew were sacred to me and that ultimately helped me be a better person. He was very defensive and quickly turned to his normal insulting, critical, and condescending approach. It didn't go very well. There was nothing I could say and so I stopped talking (chatting in Facebook) and he ranted for a long time, ending with this last phrase...

"I show kindness to people who deserve it. People who spend their time and tithing dollars on restricting the liberty of others while enjoying their own don't deserve kindness. They deserve pity at best."

I was stunned that a meaningful friendship from before could become so broken because my friend had decided to believe something different.

Well, in that conversation, I was called delusional, self-righteous, and lastly, a hypocrite. Hypocrite…ugh…not that word.

I’ve had many atheist and anti-religious friends over the years. And for some reason, that word always comes up. Hypocrisy.

Why is it that the non-religious somehow seem to think that hypocrisy is the exclusive problem of the religious? That word becomes their way of making an argument when they can’t win an argument with their logic set against someone who accepts a completely different set of truths.

What I want to say is that 1) hypocrisy is really a very misused word, 2) It is not exclusive to one group or belief sets, and 3) hypocrisy is a terrible word, because hypocrisy is in itself, terrible.

1)     Hypocrisy is a misused word

A lot of times, hypocrisy is used to describe when someone does something contrary to what they say they believe. In the way it is commonly used, if I say I don’t believe in lying, but then I lie – I would be a hypocrite.

BUT, that is actually not true – and that is not what hypocrisy is.

Wikipedia does a good job of summarizing what it actually means:

“Hypocrisy is the state of promoting or trying to enforce standards, attitudes, lifestyles, virtues, beliefs, principles, etc., that one does not actually hold.”

Notice, it isn’t about whether I DO what I say I believe. It is about saying I believe something and promoting that belief when in fact I don’t actually believe it.

So, just because a person can’t always act the way they believe and promote, doesn’t make them a hypocrite. It only makes them Human and imperfect like all of us.

2)     It is not exclusive to any group or belief set

Viewing our new found understanding of the word, it is easy to see how the term can be applied to anyone and any group. But I honestly think true hypocrisy is rarer than the word is used – at least among most of us. Most of us have true beliefs that we sometimes have a hard time living up to. That’s kind of what life is all about. I mean, Christ has asked us to be perfect even as He is. And I believe that we should be. But I promise you that I will fail to be perfect – yet that doesn’t make me a hypocrite, because I really do believe it and I am actively trying to live up to those beliefs. The need to repent is not a sign of hypocrisy.

3)     It is a truly terrible thing

So this brings us to the reason I wrote this post…

Hypocrisy truly is a terrible thing. Why? Because it is a deliberate lie. It is saying and promoting something in order to manipulate something or someone. It is the act of using a belief to accomplish perhaps the opposite of that belief. That is a truly bad and terrible thing.

So my friend…I unfriended him in Facebook and I haven’t heard from him since. Part of me still hurts that it occurred as it did. But, I have to live in positive circles and surround myself with people who at the least can respect me and my beliefs – even while completely disagreeing with them.

I’ll agree that there have been many hypocrites in history related to religion…but…

don’t you see the irony in my friend’s argument now?

Even if Hitler or Stalin were religious…if they were hypocrites (which is what non-religious folks often say), then by definition, they weren’t truly religious – remember, hypocrites proclaim and promote beliefs that they don’t actually hold. Nice irony, eh?!

Also, notice that he said I deserved no kindness because I used my resources to restrict the rights of others while protecting mine (paraphrasing).  But by campaigning against religion, isn’t he also then saying I shouldn’t have the right to believe what I want? Couldn’t I believe in the Almighty Rubber Duck and build a temple to the duck and promote yellow and still be within my rights?

You see, he says that he believes all should have rights, but really believes only the rights he agrees with, right? Isn’t that kind of like…hypocrisy?

Well, lest I sound too critical of my friend and angry toward him, let me close with this…

I still love my friend. I will always try to remember him as a happy, kind, and complimenting young man. It saddens me that we couldn’t find a way to have a real dialogue about life. And in the end, I do believe hypocrisy is a terrible thing. Honestly, I think the tragedy in this story is that my friend is a victim of hypocrisy. You see, somewhere deep inside himself, there is that small light still there, like a spot he can’t get rid of. It reminds him of when he felt that burning that he still can’t explain. It reminds him of love of all, and love of God, which I know he once felt.

Perhaps the worst part of hypocrisy is when you can’t see it, when it deceives you to the point where you even forget who you truly are.

Boy Scouts and Gays Membership

I've been thinking about writing this for a long while. Sometimes I guess you just need time till an idea settles enough and your feelings are balanced enough to where writing things like this are ok.

To be clear up front, I mean no ill intent or insult or offense to anyone with what I write here. This is simply my thoughts on a difficult subject. Also, those who know me best will know that nothing I write nor any opinion that I hold sways my love for other people, regardless of how they believe or act. All people are God’s children to me and my brothers and sisters. Some are harder to love than others at times, but I do love them all. This said, let’s talk…

I grew up in the Boy Scouts of America. I participated in Scouting beginning at age 8 as a Cub Scout and continued on, rank by rank, year by year, till I achieved the rank of Eagle in 1991. Eagle is the highest rank you can achieve as a Boy Scout and it is a difficult thing to earn. I was 16 when I earned mine. Although my progression in Scouting ranks ended then, I continue to be proud to be a Boy Scout and have served since as an assistant Scout master and as a Scout Master and as a merit badge counselor for other Scouts.

Scouts is one of the sweetest experiences and most influential activities I participated in and continues to influence and guide me. 

There is no wonder why every young man would want to participate equally with others and why every father wouldn't want to also share that experience with their sons. In fact, that sentiment hits very close to home for me. My father spent a full week of his limited time off one summer to go on a 50 mile backpacking trip in Lassen national Park when I was 15. It was one of the best experiences I’ve had with my father and I am very grateful for his sacrifice and personal attention to me during that week.

So, when the issue of Gays as members of Scouts began to arise and swell as a controversy, I thought long and hard about the different arguments about it, and reached some conclusions that I think are not being addressed enough – especially by those for allowing gays in the Boy Scouts.

First, The Boy Scouts of America is a private organization and the US Supreme court has upheld their right to not allow gays into their organization. I agree with that ruling. Our constitution and our Country’s whole foundation is built on rights of ownership, privacy, and separation of church and state. It is a foundation built on allowing people to have their own beliefs and organizations. I think it very important that we preserve those rights and that a private organization such as BSA should be able to restrict membership in this way.

Second, I do not believe this is a gay rights issue. There is no right where there is no right – and the Supreme court has already upheld that there is no “right” to join a private organization. If there were, then they could force a church, for example, to baptize a person into their church who clearly was not obeying the conditions of what the baptism requires, etc.

Third, I DO believe this is an issue of appropriateness, safety, and attraction. Stick with me here…

It seems to me that gay advocates sometimes tend to act as if gays do not suffer from the same human frailties as heterosexuals and that somehow because they are gay, they are perhaps “harmless”, or above the terrible things heterosexuals do. It is a subtle thing, but I think if you take time to think about it, you will see in media and in the argument for gay rights, that there is a certain “righteousness” assigned to gays.

The fact is, however, that gays are still (obviously) sexual beings. And, if they truly want equal treatment, then they should have to adhere to equal reasoning with their sexuality. What do I mean? Well, take your school gym classes, for instance. Would you want your male gym teacher hanging around in the girls’ locker room? Of course not. The idea is a scary one, right? Well, WHY is that scary and wrong? Because you know that men who are heterosexual, have attractions to females and female bodies. Those attractions are very strong and can influence even some good men to do terrible things – meaning that there is a chance that they will act on that attraction and cause harm to your young female child.

So tell me…are gay people immune to such powerful attractions?  Are they immune to making such mistakes? No. Of course not. But I think sometimes our media and the gay community attempt to paint themselves as such. They would never claim Jerry Sandusky and others like him to be part of their “gay community”. No, they are just predators. Yes, they are predators and bad people. However, they obviously had gay attractions that they could not resist and control.

When a heterosexual man abuses a young girl, I also want to separate myself from the idea that I could be the same as he is. And in some ways I am the same – I surely have physical attractions and impulses. However, I have trained my mind and body and emotions over many years to control those impulses and even put them quickly away or even never consider them. How do I do this? I protect myself by preparing structure/habits in my life that teach me to think differently, to have control over my flesh, and to spiritually fill myself with light that does not allow in troubling thoughts and feelings. I have trained with scriptures, experience, repentance, and other important tools that help me be now very different from those men who do such bad things.

But how do we protect our children when they are away from us? How do we protect our “community”? In the same way. We create structures and rules and habits that prevent situations from occurring where such terrible things could occur. We create ways where such events could never even happen (at least that is the hope).

The Boy Scouts of America just happens to be one organization that has unfortunately experienced some terrible things within its ranks. The Boy Scouts did not make those things happen. Our whole nation, for many years has been ignorant and slow to act against crimes against children and women – especially cases of abuse and such. We see tragedy in many places – schools, churches, and sports teams. These are very visible organizations and places, so they tend to be publicized and prosecuted heavily for not protecting their members, their players, their students. It is unfortunate when the acts of individuals betray the very values and mission of the organization and cause such harm to the direct victims and the indirect victims (other members, etc).

So we see these organizations react and work to protect. Trust me, I have witnessed the many, many changes in the Boy Scouts to help both protect the Scouts and the organization. Not so they stay out of trouble (although it helps), but because they want to preserve something valuable for those who still want to participate. They have seen the benefit of what they provide to people just like me and they want to continue providing that for others – because it does make a difference.

So now the gay community wants to participate in Scouting. I understand. I really do. Scouts is awesome. But, if we consider the reasoning of what it means to be gay, then I would say it should not and cannot be allowed to happen. Being gay means to have same-sex attraction. Just like a heterosexual man is attracted to a woman, a gay man is attracted to a man. Just like a heterosexual man could be a sexual predator in a girls’ locker room, a gay man is then also a potential predator in a men’s locker room. It is an issue of attraction. I don’t want my young sons in a locker room with young women. NO WAY. Why? Is it because they are girls? Well, yes. But anatomy is not the problem – attraction, and the weakness of flesh IS!

The fact is, we never know WHO is going to be a predator, who is going to simply make a terrible choice and be susceptible to strong sexual impulses. So we put rules in place. We separate by attraction – not by anatomy – that’s just been the normal argument. Let’s face it, Adam and Eve did not even know they were naked in the Garden of Eden (for those here who are religious) until they were allowed to fall and could be tempted by their flesh and such.

Anyway, regardless of religion/beliefs, this issue is about safety of our children. It is about creating buffers between the weakness of men (all men) and our children. If we allow gays to participate in scouts, mixing with other boys, then you are essentially mixing them with young women, which would be inappropriate at those ages.

So, if the argument is about equality, then lets argue true equality based on the truth of the matter. This is NOT about sexual preference as if that were simply a skin color or heritage. It is a sexual attraction issue. Period.

I get that the argument could be made that the same rules that keep boys safe now would keep them safe with gays in the organization, but it would certainly greatly raise the likelihood of an issue – just like mixing a girl or two into a troop would.

Ultimately, I think BSA will allow each chartered group to decide for themselves what they will allow, but I would not be in favor of it – and not because I don’t want gays to participate in Scouts, but because I want to protect my own sons and the Scouting program that I know. I am afraid that the raised risk would eventually be too costly to manage.

I am sure that there are more complex issues at work here and other arguments that could be made, but for me, it is simple.

My stance is not because I am homophobic. Not at all. I am afraid – or rather concerned and aware of the power of sexual attraction – of any orientation. And to pretend that a gay person is not as sexually motivated or influenced as someone else is to tell a lie, and I am a Scout, And Scouts are honest.

LinkedIn Skills and Expertise

I spend a lot of time on LinkedIn these days, looking for employment. LinkedIn has added some new features in the past 6 months or so that I have watched with interest. One of those is the skills and expertise area. This is where a person can list things they consider they have skills or expertise in and others can then endorse those - verifying that you do in fact have that skill or expertise.

However, I have a few problems with it...

1) They provide a "mass" endorse ability - meaning that you can too easily endorse someone on a skill. I think a lot of people are endorsing people based on trust that the person has that skill/expertise.

2) What I consider an endorseable skill or expertise may greatly differ from others. For instance, I am a Salesforce.com expert. I have certifications, have taken courses, and have been using it in an advanced way for several years - including having run my own Salesforce.com consulting firm where I worked with large and small companies to help them implement and customize the software for their needs, etc. So, I list Salesforce.com as one of my skills/expertise. However, I see a ton of sales people also listing that. But I know for a fact that they simply know how to use it basically for tracking their sales and are certainly not experts in it. But their endorsements will carry as much weight as mine from a raw list/endorsement standpoint - largely because there is no qualification of what skill level/type that is.

So, my point here is that I largely feel that the skills/expertise area is way too subjective, not qualified enough, and is not reliable as something meaningful. Unfortunately, you can't ignore it, so you play the game. I just think that this feature is kind of bloating the service. Maybe I'm wrong...

So, that's my thoughts on that.

To be Learned is Good IF...

This morning, our family was reading in the Book of Mormon together  and  something we read struck me deeply. It has been on my mind all day and I wanted to share some thoughts on it.

In 2 Nephi 9, the prophet, Jacob is teaching about the atonement of Jesus Christ. He discusses the concept of laws and justice and the balance created by mercy through the sacrifice of Christ. As he discusses this, he makes a few remarks that I found particularly striking today.

In verses 28 and 29, it says,

28 O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.

 29 But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God.

Here is why I found this so impactful…

I think often members of the Church interpret this scripture to be referring to people who are “learned” and “wise” in the sense of the world – secular wisdom. This is a natural thought because it is so obvious how many who are secularly learned and “wise” tend to use their logic and learning as some sort of proof that God does not exist. Also, we see many who rely on their own understanding to the point that they rationalize themselves away from the Church and ultimately, God.

I do not doubt this is part of what Jacob meant – perhaps even the primary meaning. However, today it occurred to me that there might be another meaning.

Lately, as I have been working though my thoughts and feelings about my life and what should or shouldn’t be, etc, I keep running into the same thing…people who seem to use “God’s logic” against God (perhaps even me at times).

Think about it for a minute. Who is not “learned” and “wise” in terms of the gospel of Christ, but his own followers?! I grew up reading and learning the scriptures. I have been taught in the “ways” of the Lord. This is good. It is His plan to teach us His ways – after all, if we are to be like Him, we must know of His ways. In fact, we even need to practice His way of thinking and acting. However, in that process of trying to become like him and applying what we learn, we can fall into a dangerous trap – one that I have personally fallen into myself.

This trap is the trap of using our own learned knowledge of God’s ways to form a certain “logic” about how God operates and we form opinions and make decisions about what He will or won’t have us do.  This can be dangerous, because we limit our understanding of God and His miracles and His mercy and His work when we decide by our learning – no matter how much it is based on what we have learned to be true – what God thinks, how He acts, what He will or won’t do.

Thankfully, the Lord has provided safeguards for this. For instance, he provides a Prophet to help guide us and “hearken unto the counsels of God”.  He provides us the Holy Ghost to help us recognize truth, and He provides us priesthood leadership and revelation that is always in unison when it acts and decides.

But in our personal lives? It can be a bit daunting. God certainly leads each of us a bit different. And one person’s actions can seem foolish or wrong to our “logic”, but is indeed not so. I know I have felt inspired of God in my own life to make decisions and take actions that according to some “logic” is not wise or not profitable – and seemingly goes against what God teaches us in principle. However, I have a certainty that I cannot deny that I have been lead to act in that way.

It reminds me of what Isaiah says in the Old Testament (Isaiah 55:8-9):

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

The more I learn about God’s ways, the more I have learned that there is a lot of depth and dimension to His ways that I don’t understand or even know exists. When we learn principles, it is often just the scratch of the surface.

An analogy I thought of was in thinking about chemistry.  When I first started learning about chemistry in high school, it was really awesome. I loved it. I learned lots of great principles about how things worked together. However, in college, chemistry began to challenge some of the set principles I thought I knew. Suddenly, there were “exceptions” to the “rules” (meaning that we just haven’t been able to totally understand or explain the real principles). Then chemistry became more difficult. It required much more context, more work, more understanding, more learning, more experimentation, more of everything. It was tough. If I had applied my limited and high school sufficient knowledge to college chemistry, I would have failed pretty badly (in fact, I did fail the first time…haha)

I guess my point in this is that we need to be careful of how we use our own learning to judge our own life or the life of others – even things we feel are set in stone – like how “thou shalt not kill” – except when commanded or justified by God (David and Goliath, Nephi and Laban, Saul and the Amalekites, etc). Or how at times polygamy was appropriate and sanctified by God, but at other times, not. That is an extreme example, but it is the same principle.

So, how do we avoid making mistakes like this? Easy – like it says in the scripture, hearken unto the counsels of God! How do we do that?

1.   Follow the guidance He gives us in His prophet and our other priesthood leaders.
2.  Seek the Holy ghost to help you recognize and follow the truth
3.  Read the scriptures to learn more in-depth truths
4. Experiment on the word and learn from experience
5. Write down your experiences and ponder what you learn from them.

One of the scriptures that has most impacted my own life is in 2 Nephi 7:10-11, where Nephi quotes Isaiah. The verse says this…

 10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness and hath no light?

 11 Behold all ye that kindle fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks, walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks which ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand—ye shall lie down in sorrow.

In verse 10, it describes someone who “feareth the Lord” – in other words, someone who believes in and wants to obey and follow God. It also describes someone as one who “obeyeth the voice of his servant” – in other words, someone who actually is obedient and follows Christ. However, it also describes that same person as someone who “walketh in darkness and hath no light”. How can that be? How can those coincide? In verse 11, it explains...

It is someone who compasses themselves about with the sparks and light of their own fire! This is someone who, while being obedient, relies on their own works, their own learning, their own counsels to light their path. This is someone who, while understanding God’s will in terms of the rigidness of the law, but does not see the merciful light of the atonement of Christ. They do not hearken unto His counsels.

This is a great description of what I think Jacob partly saw. We see this a lot in the Book of Mormon and in the New Testament where those who have the Gospel then lose their way because they think once they have learned God’s ways, they know His ways. Interesting problem. Terrible problem to have, with terrible and sad consequences.

I hope I continue to learn God’s ways and that my trial of those ways in faith will teach me more of His depth and dimension. I hope that my learning will always be tempered and lightened by His light as I seek for His counsel – so that my ways indeed become His ways. 

Life's Decisions: A 13 Step Process

Not sure about many of you, but here's how it often works for this stubborn man...

1) Have a problem/need, etc
2) I study it out
3) I make the best possible decision I can
4) I pray about it
5) I get confirmation that it's a good decision!

Awesome. got it. Works. 

Now comes how it sometimes goes for me...(the hard part)...

6) Get excited about having an answer and resolve to act
7) Doubt the answer because I'm afraid of the possible outcomes
8) Put off acting (till I feel stronger about it?) - maybe it'll just happen on its own?
9) Re-think it, get distracted by other things (sometimes other good things), and sometimes try on variations/modifications/justifications...
10) Realize I still have the problem, still have an answer, and still haven't acted on it.
11) Re-commit and re-pray - this time asking for forgiveness that I failed to act and to ask for strength to now act/implement
12) Actually exercise faith in the answer and act!
13) Immediately feel peace and strength and confirmation I did the right thing...and often, I am immediately blessed with additional things I need/want to go further and be successful in my decision. 

DUH!

As the Lord said to Saul on the road to Damascus, " it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." (Acts 9:5).

Yes, Lord, it is....

Endure it Well

The following is based on some thoughts/excerpts of a letter I recently wrote to a friend. I have removed the personal references, and want to share with you what I said to them...

My friend was going through a trial that was quite difficult and prolonged. As I witnessed them exercise their faith and courage, I was...

...reminded of the scriptures in Doctrin and Covenants section 121 (a scripture of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).The scripture background is written as follows:

“Prayer and prophecies written by Joseph Smith the Prophet while he was a prisoner in the jail at Liberty, Missouri, dated 20 March 1839 (see History of the Church, 3:289–300). The Prophet and several companions had been months in prison. Their petitions and appeals directed to the executive officers and the judiciary had failed to bring them relief.”

At the time this was written, the persecutions against the church had become very fierce and were causing a large amount of grief and pain with the members of the church – even at times, death.

In the scripture, Joseph shares with us his lamenting to the Lord about his tribulation. He says, “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?” (verse 1). Then he laments for a few more verses until finally we hear the Lord’s voice say, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all they foes.” (verses 7-8).

Now, I know you may have heard these verses a million times – especially verses 7-8 (often recited in church), and I certainly don’t need to give you a speech about enduring your adversities well. And I won’t - because I think that verse is often used a bit out of context and without the proper perspective…

You see, if you read Joseph’s lament from verses 2-6,…

 2 How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?

 3 Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?

 4 O Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest the devil, and the dark and benighted dominion of Sheol—stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.

 5 Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.

 6 Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.

…you’ll see that never once is he lamenting his own situation. He is lamenting and crying to the Lord about the plight and problems of his PEOPLE, his family, his friends. He is crying because he can’t be there to do more, and because the hurt of his people has become his own. In other words, the Lord’s response to Joseph has nothing to do with enduring his “own” trials and afflictions. I mean, it is, but in proper perspective, you realize that his affliction and adversity was that of bearing the burdens of others! Think about how amazing that is. Still not sure? Re-read the verses 2-6 and see the words, “they”, “thy people”, “us”, and “saints”. These words clearly show his concern was about others.

As I consider that thought, I remember that our very covenant of baptism is really about promising (as Alma taught us in Mosiah 18 – from the Book of Mormon) to bear the burdens of others. To mourn with those that mourn. That is what Joseph was doing! He was struggling under the weight of the burden of others because he so deeply cared and loved for them! I love that sentiment A LOT more than how that scripture is traditionally taught. And, I think it is a fairer representation of the kind of man Joseph Smith was. Even more important, it is a great example of how our Savior, Jesus Christ is with us.

People, who for the great love for their friend, their spouse, their children, and their neighbors - who mourn and cry with those who are suffering - bear in part, that burden and share in it. To me, that is perhaps the best way to get to know Christ. To do what he did – which was to mourn for and with us, to cry with and for us, to share in our pain, in our struggles, in our troubles. And because of it, can succor us and be our partner, our friend, our advisor, and our savior.

The Lord does not ask us to endure “our adversity”. He really asks us to endure well the burdens of others. In the bible (Matthew 11:29-30), Jesus says,…

 28  Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you crest.

 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

He isn’t asking us to bear our own yoke of burdens. He does that for us through his infinite atonement. He asks us to bear his – which is that of bearing the burdens, the pains, the suffering of others through love and compassion and empathy. It is true charity. Through us, he can reach others with His love. We indeed have a role to play in his atoning sacrifice!

I hope that I can be more like my Savior, and that my actions and my words and my heart is as inviting to others around me as the Savior is with me. That somehow I can help bear and lighten their burdens and through that help others feel of their true worth, and the Savior’s love for them.